Thursday, November 29, 2007

'Tis the season...

Let the games begin!

Ahem, let me rephrase that. As of November 1st: Let the games begin!

If you're confused, that is a true sign of your mental and fiscal health. You see, November 1st is the day that all things Halloween go in the bargain bin and wide swathes of nearly every store automatically pop up with tinsel, trimmings and light-diode-impregnated fake northern spruces.

Aah, the joys of the season that starts too soon, lasts too long, and drives the folks who work retail into lifetime Christmas music haters. Or is it "holiday" music haters?

Yes, as you can see, there is serious debate going on about whether the Wisconsin State "holiday tree" (dubbed so in the 1980's in a conniption of political correctness) should be renamed the "Christmas tree". Serious debate. Did I say that already?

Well, speaking as a resident Jew, I can plead... PLEASE return it to being the Christmas tree. Holiday tree is just ludicrous. Unless, that is, some wild roaming sect of Jews actually does have a penchant for felling small trees and bedecking them with oil lamps or candles. If there is such a case, my bad. Otherwise, let's just take down the whole ruse of egalitarianism. Trees have nothing to do with Hanukkah, nor to my knowledge, with Kwanzaa.

Then, go ahead and put up a menorah, or a kwanzaa candle thing, and maybe a festivus pole for good measure. (Festivus-- what an awesome stroke of comic genius!) Just don't waste our time pretending that the 50,000-pound elephant in the room is not indeed a towering elephant. In a whispered tone: We know about Christmas. It's OK. You can have that. Just don't expect us to decorate it with stars of david and play dreidel beneath it.

***

OK, on from the substantive debate. Now it's time for the real meaning of this holiday, er, christmas, er, shopping season... prezzies! Lots of 'em!

Including these dumb presents and these all-time most dangerous presents. Yep, they're real, folks. Reminds me of the cornballer from Arrested Development.

***

Yes, that's about as substantive as it gets these days... I've been running around trying to get everything done, knitting everything I can get my hands on (gee, can't guess if that's displaced mothering instinct, can we?) and almost ran a stop sign the other day (no kid in car... keep your pants on!) because I had a very surreal Luis Bunuel kind of image in my head of knitting eyelashes. Very strange. Perhaps a few too many lattes in the pot?

8 comments:

Nicole said...

You made me laugh out loud and that's the best...holiday...gift ever!

Anke said...

The cornballer!!! :) Oh god, I love love love Arrested Development!
Now I'm off to write you that email...regarding the holiday almonds...;))))))

Anke said...

P.S.: I'm intrigued by the "Cone-i-vore" (the pun just cracks be up...and they are actually serious!) and the finger-devouring cabbage patch kid. Do you think it might want to eat my turnips? (And where does all the food actually go? Ohhh, gross!)

Mama H said...

Maybe I didn't read the description of the cabbage patch kid thing closely enough, but my impression was that it "ate" cabbage-patch supplied ersatz food (and, apparently, a fair amount of hair!)

Yeah, the idea of a doll with automatic chomping mandible seems a little dangerous as a premise, especially if the thing has a steel-reinforced jaw.

I'm also not sure about a "play" vacuum cleaner I've seen in catalogues that actually "works". Do we really want children using their "play" vacuums to suck up, say, our jewelry or their juice, or both? I, for one, say "No, no, NO!"

Anke said...

...you might loose an earring or the family hamster - still a great timesaver.

Mama H said...

OK Antje, that comment was almost as bad as the one about the pigeon hearts! Bravo! ;)

Terrill said...

I accidentally listened to a conservative Christian radio station for a few minutes today. . . they were discussing the list they kept of "naughty and nice" stores. The "naughty" stores avoided any mention of Christmas in their ads and, consequently, the conservative Christians were avoiding those stores.

So, perhaps, if Wisconsin has a "holiday tree" instead of a "Christmas tree" we'll make the naughty list and all the ultra-Christians will move out to a "nicer" locale!

Mama H said...

Hey, that's a thought! No such luck, though... I think they voted the other day to change it back to Christmas. Perhaps they should spell it X-mas? You think that would help?