Saturday, January 07, 2017


The best way to keep up with all the Thinking Mom goodness is by liking my page on Facebook. There you'll get links to all this bloggy goodness, as well as my articles from Scary Mommy and other outlets, plus some other snarky, meme-y, funny stuff.

xoxo JRH

Friday, January 06, 2017

A Hairy Situation

The agony and the ecstasy of being a long-haired mom

There are lots of advantages to having long hair as a mom— throw your mop into a messy bun and GO is the name of the game.

In fact, when I became a mom, I grew my hair out for that purpose— ease of everyday styling. However, I’ve lived long enough with this flowing mane and my two kids to let you know about some of the more humorous sides of having long hair as a mom.

How can something so cute cause so. much. pain.

The first and most obvious challenge of being a mom with long hair is the fact that babies are notorious hair-grabbers. Doesn’t matter if you even have your hair up in said messy bun— babies don’t care. They’ll use their amazingly small but powerful grabby paws and yank a fistful of hair with abandon. Cro-Magnon infant tyrants.

Oh, look, isn’t that a cute baby? Eeeeek! 

You know those cute footie fleece pajamas that are a staple of the under one set? Well, along with the cute little patterns of duckies, they also offer a floofy warmth to envelop your small love child and keep it warm. But there is something about that micro fleece that acts like a magnet for hair. Not just any hair. Not just one hair. I’m talking tumbleweed gobs of tangled hair that the fabric gloms onto and holds onto for dear life. There’s nothing quite so sweet as a clean, sweet, cuddly baby in a comfy fabric that just happens to attract hairy moles. 

[Choke gag gggrhhrhhh]

Before my kiddos had any attention span whatsoever, I started reading to them. Whether in my lap, or laying down next to them on the floor, I quickly learned how to immediately identify the sounds of a child who is gagging on a piece or two of my hair. Oh, and don’t think that this is over when the kids are bigger. I still read to my kids at night. While we don’t have the daily-frequency gagging anymore, we do have the occasional throaty churr in attempt to dislodge the offending strand, usually followed by protruding tongue and some variation of “Bleh!” and a demand for water. You know, not as terrifying as having a gagging baby, but still enough to think DAMN HAIR.

Fear and loathing when you get the infamous “note from school” 

Listen, I am just as frightened as the next parent when I receive the “Your child has been exposed to lice” note from school or camp or wherever. I had lice when I was eight years old, and after all the voodoo my mom did to my hair (I think there were vinegar cures and olive oil drenches— wait, was she just making me a salad?) and the sleeping in do rags, she finally decided it would be easier to tackle if I had less hair. FAR LESS HAIR. So, I when the tiny beasts were finally vanquished, I returned to school with a home-styled pixie cut. 

It sounds horrible to say, but I can deal with my kids getting lice. (Any lice reading this should not take this comment as an invitation). But my own hair is the problem. It’s long. There’s a lot of it. It’s thick. Shoot, I can’t even manage to color it myself because there’s too damn much of it and I’m done with missing spots and wrecking my bathroom with dye stains. If I get lice, nuclear war will have to be waged. Good bye, long locks. (Excuse me while I take a short break to itch my entire body).

Fun for girls and boys! 

My kids are old enough now to shower mostly by themselves, with most interventions being me yelling, “Get OUT of the shower! You’ve been in there for twenty five minutes and your feet are now webbed!” Often, especially in summer when they get home from summer camp, they both want to shower at the same time to get all the chlorine, sunscreen, bug screen, and dirt off ASAP. So, I usually let one of them shower in my bathroom. Now, being a mom-on-the-go with a full time job, as well as being ridiculously (but happily) overcommitted to a bunch of causes, I’m always in a hurry to shower. Always. Like, I don’t even know what a leisurely shower is any more. I haven’t known one since before I had kids. 

So most of the time I do remember to clean the drain thingie of whatever hair collects there (which always looks like a LOT OF HAIR. How in the world can I lose that much hair daily and still have hair on my head? It’s a mystery). But often, I don’t remember. One of those times, my boy child came out of the shower yelling, “Mom! Look at this!” I rush in (because who knows what carnage a kid is going to show you when they say those words) and see him with a towel carelessly tossed around his middle and a floofy nest of black hair perched atop his outstretched finger. “It’s a wig. For gnomes!” 

There must be a market for those, right?


I often get compliments on my hair —probably because it’s so… obvious— long, curly, raven black). I love having it long after having nothing longer than chin length for the first 30 years of my life. I love being able to wear it up or down. I love only having to get it cut once or twice a year. 

I just really wish that my hair would… stay on my head. Not gag people. Not collect in places it shouldn’t. But, that’s just the name of the game. It’s hair today, hopefully not lice tomorrow.

Saturday, December 17, 2016

Yes, I'm raising little activists. Here's why.

The word activist sounds like a load of laughs, doesn't it? Yeah, not so much. It has a connotation of something dry and wonky at best (and, at worst, something irrational, far-fetched, and unrelatable). Nevertheless, I am raising my kids to be activists-- but in the best possible way. Here's why.

What's the most delightful thing about having toddlers? I'll give you a hint. The TANTRUMS. Oh my god, the tantrums. If the olympics gave out medals in tantrums, toddlers would win them. Our tiny overlords are such a source of frustration and bemusement. But they are a good indication of a child who is learning how to use their voice. Not necessarily appropriately, but that will come.

There are so many things in life that aren't fair, and myriad ways that kids can have their voices taken away before they even know they have them. Whether it's sexual abuse, bullying, or whether they are simply born into our culture where they soak up our norms from day one, I want my kiddos to know they have a voice, and how to use it.

All kids have to a greater or lesser extent this will inside of them. We just have to learn how to use it for good! Good ways to use willfulness: Standing up for yourself. Having good boundaries. Not simply accepting others' wishes or behavior blindly. Being good citizens. Sticking up for others.

-Giving kids meaningful choices to make, and allowing them to make them.
-Asking what a kid feels or thinks about the situation-- OFTEN.
-As soon as they can, teaching them how to use the telephone to call friends and relatives, or even stores or offices if they want something or need a piece of information.
-When they have problems at school, asking them what they think THEY can do to get help and identify helpers

Like everyone else, kids need to feel confident in themselves in order to make their voices heard, especially because kids' voices are not valued as much as adult voices in so many ways. Let kids practice using their voices in safe situations. Know full well that they may turn these weapons against you as they approach teen-hood. Do it anyway. We need kids to have all the skills they need to become strong adults.


Kids learn by watching and mimicking. If you're lucky enough to live in a state capitol like we do,
there are plenty of ways to let them watch and/or participate in parades, non-violent demonstrations, or to visit Museum exhibitions about important issues. A part that we should not forget, however, is modeling to them what it means to care about something and then decide to do something about it. ACTION is what we want to inspire, but action with thought behind it

-Talk to kids about their feelings. Something happens. How does it make them feel? Can they imagine how another person feels as well?
-Encourage empathy. Example: Someone you know is sick. You tell your child, and ask them what they would like to do to help that person feel better. Draw them pictures? Send them a funny email? Deliver soup?
-Take the next step. Example: There are people who are sick all of the time, and they aren't getting the health care they need. What do you think about that? Who do you think we should talk to? Help your child to write a letter to a legislator, or to make a bunch of encouraging pictures to deliver to a nursing home. Help them connect their empathy with action towards a larger group.
-Follow your kiddo's lead. Some kids are passionate about animals. Others are worried about racism, economic inequality, or wars. Pick up on what's important to them and connect them with information about how they can help.
-Attend parades. Let them hand out candy. Let them make their own protest signs.

Activism can be a meaningful, fun way for kids to connect with the world around them. It can give them a sense of being powerful (in a positive way) and learning that when they are sad, they don't have to feel stuck. There are things they can do. Even if those things simply make them feel better about themselves, or one other person!

Nobody likes an entitled person. A person who expects things done for them, given to them. A person who is greedy. On the other hand, you don't want to be that bummer of a parent who is giving out apples on Halloween because candy isn't good for you. There's a fine line to walk between wanting to teach your kid generosity and thereby denying them something.

Let's be clear, however-- if you want your kid to not be entitled, you CANNOT give them everything. You cannot let them treat people however they want without incurring the natural consequences (and yes, to some extent that means in the way they treat you).

On the other hand, you can give them a framework in which they understand that they are making a sacrifice, but they will get good feelings in return.

-During the Christmas season, talk to your kid about what matters most to them. Tell them that you will give them a certain amount of money to give to that charity. Then allow your child to write the letter, to send the check, or to buy the items and donate them. Physically involving the child is important for their learning. Same can be done on birthdays.
-Look for opportunities to help out kids their own age. Have them look through their own drawers for things that don't fit anymore and take them with you to the donation center. Make them lift the bags.
-Volunteer at a soup kitchen or some other project and have them interact with people. Last summer, my synagogue volunteered to feed homeless people one Saturday downtown, and my kids gave out clean socks to the people in line. We talked about treating others with respect, and the kids were great at making eye contact and asking people politely, "Would you like socks?" They immediately asked to go again.
-Give your child some small amount of money to loan through Kiva. Let THEM choose the recipient of the loan. Then, when the loan is paid back, let them re-invest it.


Kids are eager to love, and feel love in return. They are eager to assert themselves and make decisions for themselves. Shielding children from all conflict is actually not healthy. It's important for kids to understand situations in ways that are age-appropriate, and which are also appropriate to the child's disposition. Of course your number one job as a parent is to keep your child safe. But there are many safe opportunities for kids to engage in meaningful ways that they will enjoy, and will help form their memories and habits as they grow.

So, go ask your kid to bake cookies with you for your elderly neighbor. Talk about kids who might need coats, and go through your closets together. Encourage your goofy teen who plays trombone to google music they can play at the next protest or parade. Harness your kid's playfulness, empathy, and creativity.

Get ready to be amazed.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

A Gift Guide for the Current State of the World

I'm having a hard time getting into the holiday spirit given the current state of the world. Last weekend I was in my finished basement aka the toy graveyard and I kept muttering under my breath... GARBAGE! Ugh, these kids do NOT NEED ANY MORE TOYS! 

Truth be told, we're pretty fortunate. We are able to buy and afford all the things we NEED and then some. But now does not seem like a time to be wasteful. Every single thing that I buy this year needs to have a purpose. I'm not going to buy things just to fill stockings (or in the case of Hanukkah, fill DAYS). I'm going to look to filling hearts.

Without further ado, here are my gift suggestions. Feel free to comment with your own suggestions. If I like them, I'll revise and add yours as well!

...Because we deserve taco trucks! Seriously. Is this not the cutest thing ever? Kids love pretend play, they love hiding and small spaces, and lots of them love transportation.

Bonus could be buying the play food for the kiddo to "make" the tacos, or even having them help you "make" tacos out of felt scraps.

Taco Truck, by FamousOTO, $69 plus free shipping
Felt Library by Hand Made Modern for Target, $12.99
11-piece play taco set from Wicked Cute Crafts on etsy, $14


Graphic Designer Adam Thompson sells his hero-inspired images on his etsy shop, SingleProp Artworks.

From Superman to Wonder Woman to Batman to the Green Lantern and Flash, Adam's designs and quotes will help any kid (or, who are we kidding here, geeky adult) feel empowered.

The Wonder Woman image reads:

If the prospect of living in a world where trying to respect the basic rights of those around you and valuing each other simply because we exist are such daunting, impossible tasks, then what sort of a world are we left with? And what sort of world do you want to live in?

Buy as an instant PDF download in Adam's Etsy store for $10


Anyone who thinks kittens are just cute balls of fluff underestimates the damage that their tiny, needle-like teeth can do.

Help your kiddo channel their inner strength with these altered vintage design shirts by WinkinBitsyClothing.

The designer, Helen Temperley, has lots of other cool images to meet almost any strange interest-- those who like snark, vegetarians, steampunk aficionados, to vintage vixens.

Buy "I Roar Inside" kids shirt $24.72


Winter is not messing around, yo. And we all need these super cute merino leg warmers. Then you can fulfill your lifelong goal of never having to stop wearing leggings in the winter!

SERRV, which plies handmade and fair-trade items, gets these leg warmers, knit from remnants (no two are alike), from the Kumbeshwar Technical School in Kathmandu.

Toss in some fair-trade, women-grown coffee from a cooperative in Nicaragua and get ready to be cozy as fuck.

Merino Stripe Legwarmers from Serrv, $40
"Matching" Infinity Remnants Cowl, $42
Sisterhood Solidarity Organic Coffee, $11

Every time I see a Little Free Library, it makes me happy. Think about buying one of these puppies pre-made (expensive), or download the plans to make one (inexpensive).

If you go the fancy/expensive route, I can't blame you. I'm all thumbs.

But, if you want to download the directions to make one yourself, you can print those out and bundle them with a gift card to your local mom & pop hardware store and/or a gift card to the local used book store.

Little Free Library, $325 as shown
Download plans FREE here!


This awesome image was made by some friends of mine and I to inspire those who are attending the Women's March on Washington on January 21st. It's available on all sorts of fun merch (including this adorable baseball t) and as a poster. Your one-stop protest needs!

Best of all, proceeds benefit the Wisconsin Alliance for Women's Health, which works to advance comprehensive women's health in Wisconsin.

All Women Tee $19.99 on Cafe Press


Want to protest every single damn day, and without putting on pants? (Well, you'll have to put on pants at least once to put it outside). Reaffirm your values to anyone who drives by your home, business, wherever, and send the message that hate is not an American value. The first printing of these signs raised over $7k for the ACLU, and now are being offered nationally through the Wisconsin Alliance for Women's Health store.

"Kindness is Everything" yard sign, $16.99
Donate directly to the ACLU in honor of someone!


This Alpaca sweater from Peru does double-duty. Not only is it dapper as hell (and classic), it also is sold by UNICEF.

That means that not only do you get this snuggly, cozy, soft AF sweater (Alpaca is sooooo soft and warm), the purchase of this sweater can also provide 39 packets of lifesaving nourishment to children suffering from acute malnutrition.

As we all know, Aleppo is in the headlines, and the remaining children there need all the help they can get. So please, go buy from the UNICEF store, or just give a donation in someone's name, with a card that tells them what a good heart they have. Either way, you'll be spreading warmth that is desperately needed.

Men's Alpaca Sweater from UNICEF, $71.99
Donation of an amount of your choice


Yup-- your dirty secret is out. But that's ok, because science says that watching animal videos helps us to decompress, and that's good, no? 

How about watching more cat videos, and helping rehabilitate feral cats at the same time? It's a win/win! I dare you to watch this video from about my favorite rescue, Cassidy, and not be moved. 

"Adopt" an animal from the World Wildlife Fund, and you can specify if you want the adoption to come with an adoption kit, which includes a stuffed animal and more information about the animal

(Price varies depending on species)

Narwhal Teatime T by Artist
Christy Grace on Society 6, $20.40

Down in the Aspens throw pillow by
Hiraeth Art on Society6, $17
Seriously. I have some crazy talented friends. But maybe so do you? Why don't you bop over to their Etsy shop, or swing by their Facebook pace to see what awesomeness they've been up to?

Then, it's a gift to them AND to the recipient!


Because it's easier to sort socks when they aren't all just variations of black that has faded. BlueQ socks are my secret weapon to feeling badass. Since I live in a climate where I wear boots six months a year, I can let my freak flag fly even at business meetings with these beauties.

(Of course, that shouldn't stop you from wearing them any damn day). With snarky sayings like "I hate everybody too," or simply images of peaceful otters holding hands, there's something for everyone, man or woman. 

Happy Holidays, and have fun storming the castle!

Monday, November 07, 2016

What I've Learned from the Election

Had you told me twenty months ago the salient details of what will now go down in history as Election 2016, I would have laughed you out of the room, down the front walkway, down the street, and into the woods. Because seriously, what kind of psychotic mushroom would you have to be on to come up with THIS? 

If America can agree on anything, it's that this election season has defied our expectations, and, indeed, even our wildest imaginations.

But that is not what I am here to talk about. I am here to talk about how this election has changed ME.

Amid all the negativity, all the ups and downs, all the bizarre turns (sexual harassment and sniffs, oh my!), I have learned some interesting things along the way, and I am better for them.

In July, my daughter told us one night at the dinner table that she wanted to change her name from Lilly to LILLARY, so that she could become a girl president. It was so simple, yet so profound. The fact that Hillary exists, that she may be our president come tomorrow, MAKES A DIFFERENCE. Earlier in the campaign Trump complained that Hillary kept playing "the woman card"-- claiming that she was a good candidate BECAUSE she was a woman. To which I, and many other people, thought HELL YES it makes a difference that she's a woman. If she were a woman WITHOUT qualifications, that would not make her a viable candidate. But the fact that she is one of the most qualified candidates for president in the entire history of this country AND SHE'S A WOMAN? That's important. 

I grew up in the 1970's. While we had Wonder Woman Underoos and Legos were still a unisex toy, there were lots of professions that still weren't without a gender prescription. Doctors were men, nurses were women. Pilots were men, stewardesses were women. Presidents and senators were most certainly men. 

Hearing the possibility of a woman president was made real to me by hearing Lilly take ownership of it through Hillary. Because there was an example, there is possibility. 

I had supported Hillary from the beginning of the primaries. I had lots of friends who were "Feeling the Bern" and I kept quiet on Facebook about my convictions. I loved seeing their passion for a candidate who promised a more just and equitable society. Yet I had real differences with his foreign policy ideas and experience. Also, he was nowhere near as staunch a supporter of Gun Sense Legislation that Hillary has been from the start. 

I took one of those online quizzes where you answer questions on your positions to find out which candidate you most closely align with. I ended up with 96% agreement with Bernie, and 92% with Hillary. But what the quiz didn't take into account is how important the issue of gun violence in this country has become to me. 

Earlier in the year I was so excited to meet women who were starting up a local chapter of Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense in America in my town. I immediately jumped in with both feet. I knew the organization mostly from engaging with them on social media. Their gun sense positions, which focused on finding ways to make real progress on issues like Universal Background Checks and closing the loopholes that allow guns to flow without detection-- issues which an overwhelming majority of Americans actually agree on! 

As we got closer to the election and the organization endorsed Hillary as a gun sense candidate, I decided to do everything in my power to get Hillary elected.

So many of the issues that our society faces-- whether they be racism, terrorism, or violence against women-- ALL of them can be bettered by strengthening our gun sense laws and working together to keep guns out of the hands of people who shouldn't have them. 

Inspired by Lilly's letter from Hillary, our family went public with the letter to set an example, and to advocate for a tone of decency. Our argument was simple, and in many ways, nonpartisan: We should all be speaking to each other with the kind of respect that Hillary spoke to this 7-year-old girl with. 

It was a big limb to go out on for us as a family. There has been story after story about bullying, harassment, the so-called "Trump effect" of violence and derision spreading throughout the country. Although in a normal election season, our "release" of the letter would not be perhaps anything more than a small human interest story, in this season, it felt dangerous. The letter and story went viral. It was written about in the Huffington Post, Cosmopolitan Magazine, Time Magazine. The Washington Post did a video of Lilly reading her letter and an accompanying article, the local news covered it and that video was shown on local tv stations throughout the country, and I wrote a piece for the web site Scary Mommy. A few days later, the letter was shared by Wonkette, and we got a call from the Ellen DeGeneres show. We didn't end up doing the show, which was ok with us-- by that time we had had so much exposure, we were happy to shrink back to normal life.

I was in equal parts attacked and praised in the comments sections across the internet. Women said that it changed their minds about Hillary, and others said that I was a bad mother for giving my daughter a bad role model to follow. Our friends fanned out across the internet and defended us, and the writers of Scary Mommy welcomed me with open arms into their groups where I found lots of catharsis, strength, and humor. 

I realized with Lilly's letter that not only was I impressed with the message it sent to HER, but that I, a "grown-ass woman" of 42, needed to hear those words. I needed someone to say to me that I should carve out a space for my own voice. I cried because those were the words that the little girl who I was  really needed to hear and never heard. They emboldened me to take stands and push forward.

Trump's ridiculous, sexist, misogynist proclamations and his ACTUAL ABUSE OF WOMEN has triggered many of us. I have revisited the many (yes, MANY) experiences of abuse I have had in my life. The father of a friend of mine who kept pressuring me (then five) to take a bath with his daughter, who slapped me on my bare bottom when I proclaimed that I didn't want to and he couldn't make me. (Years later, we found out that he had sexually abused his own daughter her entire childhood). The high school boyfriend who raped me on my prom night when I came down with a stomach flu and repeatedly asked him to stop. The high school "friend" who would give me a ride to school in the morning and who would say humiliating sexual things to me and proposition me almost every morning. The time when I was living in Spain and a naked man jumped out of a tree and started masturbating in front of me. The college boys who talked about me behind my back and challenged each other to try and bed me. 

You may be wondering WHY IS THIS GOOD that I am remembering all these things? Because after Trump said what he did, I realized I WAS NOT ALONE. The internet was filled with women who were recounting the ways that they had been assaulted, the way they never told anyone about the assaults because they felt ashamed. Until that moment, I had forgotten most of these things because I had tried so hard not to remember them. But now, I remembered them, and realized THESE THINGS HAPPENED. THEY WERE NOT MY FAULT. My indignation and my care for others who publicly spoke of their stories rubbed off ON ME. I realized I am as deserving of comfort and compassion as they are. I realized that I didn't just have bad luck. I am a woman, and this is the story that I and many women like me have lived. It was nothing we did, nothing we said. And that by having Trump's words trigger us, we became stronger. We spoke out, and we will continue to speak out.

Before this time, I had spoken to my kids about body safety in very general terms. One night, while cuddling before bed, I talked to my 11-year-old son about the word that Trump used, what it meant, and what I thought about it. I did this because he rides the bus to and from school, and I remember being a kid on the bus-- it's an environment where bullying can slip under the radar. Where things are said and even done without an adult being able to watch over it. (Bus drivers are DRIVING). I told my son the story of how I was almost in that bath with my friend, the one whose father molested her. I told him that it is not ok to talk about others' bodies the way Trump did because that is abuse. I talked to him about consent-- both for his body and for others'.

Emboldened by this strange and amazing and difficult season, I have pushed forward for the issues I care about. I have continued to show up for my work with Moms Demand Action. I have volunteered my butt off for the coordinated Democratic campaign (while still maintaining a full time job and two other major volunteer commitments and keeping my two children and husband alive, albeit in a state of disarray). 

I have met my congressman Mark Pocan and my Senator, Tammy Baldwin, so many times that we joke that I'm a friendly stalker. Ditto for candidate and hopefully soon-to-be returning Senator Russ Feingold. I have met Chelsea Clinton, Elizabeth Warren (whom I gave one of my Wonder Woman bracelets), and the amazing Vice President Joe Biden, who gave me a smooch and nuzzled Lilly nose-to-nose. 

Amidst all of that, what I will remember more is the people who volunteered WITH me. Samara, my local Moms group lead, who now shows up in my phone's camera album more than my husband (!), the brilliant young organizers with Hillary's campaign who inspire me with their optimism and kindness. And the other people-- the people volunteering to canvass, to train, to phone bank, to work events. The Secret Service guys who made sure that when the crowds crushed, that my daughter and I stayed safe. The educators and labor folks who turned up and turned out. Who brought their students, their friends, their co-workers, to help further the cause.

I'm exhausted, but make no mistake-- I'm exuberant. I'm done fretting over 528 polls. I'm done with the worry. Yesterday, in the sunday edition of the Wisconsin State Journal, they asked both Secretary Clinton and Donald Trump for closing statements. My name was there-- the first three words in Secretary Clinton's OpEd. I didn't know that was going to happen. But I own it 100%. I am a progressive Democrat. I am a mother, and I am a believer that all the hell we've gone through is a part of our future purpose: to live freer, with more understanding, with less shame. To speak truth. To use respect, even when we aren't given it. To seize the opportunity to carve out a space for our own voices.

In the words of our Wisconsin State motto: FORWARD.

Friday, October 28, 2016


This election season has been so divisive, with so many twists and turns, it makes roller coasters look tame. Let me be clear: I DO NOT LIKE ROLLER COASTERS, actual OR metaphorical ones. The cognitive dissonance, the finger-wagging, name-calling, the media pile-ons, the live on TV tell-offs… I hate to tell you America, but this election makes are butts look big. And by butts, I mean our culture. Reasonable discourse has been thrown out the window not just by Trump, but by the culture that WE co-created which MAKES TRUMP POSSIBLE.

If we didn’t have a culture of online shaming and bullying, we might not have Trump.
If we didn’t have a culture of aggression towards women, we might not have Trump.
If we didn’t have a culture of accusations with no regards for proof, we might not have Trump.
If we didn’t have a culture of deep-seated implicit racism, we might not have Trump.
If we didn’t have a culture of economic inequality BY DESIGN, we might not have Trump.

But we do. We do have a culture where people shame strangers publicly in online forums. We have a culture where adults AND CHILDREN are using social media to bully other people not just whom they know, but people who they DON’T know. We have a culture where, when women are asked, “Have you ever been assaulted?” the answer is usually which time?

We have a culture where people read headlines and share articles WITHOUT HAVING READ A DAMNED WORD of the article. And without having looked at the source, the kind of news they report, and thought about what kind of slant they might be presenting the news with. We have a culture which has thrived on implicit cultural and structural systems that are rooted in, and perpetuate, racism. 

We have a culture where we value the haves (of course their money must mean they are successful, which means they must have earned it). We have financial and governmental systems in place to protect the wealth of the wealthy, while letting those with fewer resources suffer because, by extension, if the wealthy have ‘earned’ their status, the poor must have ‘earned’ theirs as well. 

We have a culture of brutishness, selfishness, and incivility. We, Americans, are assholes. Now before you get all defensive (who am I kidding? You already are. I ALREADY AM), please look at that list I just wrote up there. NONE of us is immune to this. Have some of us committed bigger sins than others? Sure. But who am I, and who are YOU to judge that our own actions weren’t equally as awful? 

I hate to quote the bible, but I’m going to do it. Let them without sin cast the first stone. There’s a reason why this metaphor is so powerful, so timeless. Those who live in glass houses…. And it’s not for nothing that we speak of a glass ceiling. It’s this invisible barrier, just like the invisible bubble that we have around ourselves, which we all like to pretend doesn’t exist. 

But glass houses exist. Glass ceilings exist. We act as though we are immune to the tenor of discourse and don’t participate in it, we act as though women are treated equally to men, even when we know that we are not. We jump to conclusions based on headlines and here say without doing our due diligence. We all— yes ALL OF US— have implicit bias which is not only meant to otherwise people, but also to shore up our own identities, systems, and self-worth. And we ALL know that the economy is not an even playing field, and that the decks are stacked against those with less in favor of those with more. 

So let’s all (yes, ALL) of us take a deep breath, and look for ways that WE can be better. Ways we can change the culture, and stop tearing each other apart. Refuse to take part in petty discourse (even though it feels satisfying at the moment, it rarely results in anything more than hardening of positions). 

People on the right AND left have been finger pointing, calling each other stupid, decrying the other side’s opinions. As I said to a friend the other day, “there’s no Mason-Dixon line for idiots.” They are north, south, up, down, in, and out. And guess what? You and I? We are probably idiots too. And it’s a quick hop, skip, and a jump from being an idiot to being an asshole. 

So yes— do better, want better, expect better. But don’t be an asshole to other humans while trying to further your ‘cause.’ Be assertive about your arguments, but be well-informed AND well-intentioned. 

Thursday, October 06, 2016

You want to win an argument? Here’s how.

It seems like we are ALL spending a lot of time arguing with other people these days— whether it’s about the current election, about issues that we feel strongly about, or whether it’s about something as “simple” as which way to run a fundraiser for the school.

There is never ONE best way to deal with conflict. To tell someone who is an introvert to “just go out to parties and socialize more” doesn’t solve anything. Likewise, changing someone’s conflict style isn’t likely in the cards. But, there ARE lots of things that we can LEARN to do which can help us to relieve our inner turmoil, and perhaps— just perhaps— get others to see things our way.

Take it back to preschool

When I was in high school, one of my best friends had a way of arguing that really cut me to the core. If I said something about someone else which was grossly unkind, or treated her in a way she didn’t appreciate, she would say “That is NOT OK.” 

It landed like a punch straight to the gut, and it really upset me. I talked to her about how it made me feel, and I realized that it had a very powerful effect on me. It is one of the most direct ways of verbally stopping someone in their tracks. And the reason I think it’s so powerful is because of its simplicity. It sounds like something a preschool teacher would say to little Joey when he’s actively biting his classmate. 

Other things which work similarly: “That is unkind,” or “That’s not how we talk about x.” Again, firmness, and standing your ground that you have boundaries, and there is behavior going on that you are unwilling to accept.

Use your strong, kind voice

Both those things are key— strong AND kind. When you are addressing others (especially others who are behaving badly), you need to be forceful, and yet kind. That doesn’t mean you have to be solicitous, or to agree with them. It simply means that you don’t get down into the mud. Mudslinging might feel great at the moment, but it immediately alienates the other person. Yes, you may say “They started it first!” However, as your mother said, if everyone jumped off a bridge, would you, too? 

Mudslinging does nothing to convince the other person, and actually weakens YOUR position. Do you want to be treated with respect? Do you want to have a meaningful discussion? Do you want to change people’s minds, or even just agree to disagree? Then DO NOT DO IT.

What does winning look like?

Think about someone/something you disagree with. What is your ultimate goal? Is your ultimate goal to change something, or is your goal just to feel like you’ve won? Because, spoiler alert: If you feel like you’ve won, you actually haven’t. 

No matter what anyone says, there IS NO SUCH THING AS WINNING AN ARGUMENT. There is helping someone to see your point of view. There is helping someone else to think through THEIR point of view. There is working together to make change, or even compromise. But if your goal is proving yourself right without actually doing the work of trying to understand where someone else is coming from, you’ve actually lost. 

Yep— that’s right. Even though you schooled Grandpa, you didn’t change him. Your goal in speaking to other human beings should not be to humiliate them. It should be to find common ground.

How do you find common ground when it seems like there is none?

People who say things that are offensive to you often have a reason for their beliefs. It may not make rational sense to you, but there is a reason that they cling to it. Whether it’s just habitual thinking, whether it’s based on a misunderstanding of facts, whether it is a distortion of facts to fit their own story in their head… we ALL have emotional investment in our own point of view. 

When people say things that are hurtful to us and/or that we think are misleading, one of the most potent things to do is ask that person


Whether you agree with them or not is not the point— the point is trying to understand what emotions are running the show. Without knowing what emotions are running the show, you are missing key information which will help you identify the facts, opinions and arguments which THIS PERSON needs to hear.

One of the most potent ways to get someone to see another perspective is by asking them to look at the opposite opinion. To, in a sense, play devil’s advocate to their own argument. Ask them to put themselves in the other side's shoes. 

Take, for example, that you have a friend who is a really picky eater, and they drive you nuts with their critique of your food. Ask that person to have a chat with you. Start by showing compassion. “I know you have stomach issues. I really try to imagine how hard that must be for you. But yet, it's really hard for me, too. How do you think I feel when you tell me that you can't eat anything I make?"

Give someone the benefit of the doubt

I know, this is a hard one. Let’s face it— there are lots of buttfaces out there who don’t deserve the benefit of the doubt. Yet I think the actual number of those people is probably a lot less than we would all assume. I will say this to you, just as I say it to myself: YES, THERE ARE DEFECTIVE HUMANS. BUT MOST HUMANS ARE NOT IRREPARABLY DEFECTIVE. Many humans have bad coping systems. Many humans have erroneous beliefs which fuel their disdain for other humans. But most humans are not evil. Most humans are not only capable of finding human connection, but they actually crave it. 

I’m not saying it’s all going to work ALL of the time. But I really want us to consider how we speak to one another… even (or perhaps especially) the people we disagree with. If we actually want to BE the change we wish to see in the world, that’s going to take some tough listening, and doing the emotional work. 

It’s ok to say “I can’t right now,” or to disengage. It’s also ok to re-engage. It’s ok to talk to those with whom you disagree and say, “Can we set up some ground rules about how we talk to each other? I really would like to hear your opinion, and I would like to have a conversation with you.You need to feel that I am respecting you, and it’s important to know I am being respected as well.

Go forth and engage in meaningful conversation. Or, sit on the sidelines, and add a word of support for someone else while they’re having a tough conversation. Be a force for positive engagement. Lord knows, we all need more of that!