Last night, at 10:38pm, I was quite a sight to see. Sitting on the leather couch in the basement, wrapped in blankets, a giant metal bowl which had contained my dinner-- 10 cups of popcorn dusted with nutritional yeast-- sobbing.
Sobbing because I was tired and didn't know how to just go to sleep. And because my husband has been gone almost a week to a conference in Poland. And I know it shouldn't make a difference where he's gone to, but the further away he is, the harder gravity pulls the tides up within me.
I am always shocked by this occurrence: it seems so out of character for me. But I actually know it very well. It's the straw widow peeking out. The straw widow comes out only when the moon is new, and everything is quiet and dark.
It always seemed strange to me that the new moon is called just that-- new-- because we experience it as an absence. New suggests, somehow, presence.
Then again, sometimes for the new to appear, room must be made. Reminds me of the haiku by Mizuta Masahide:
Barn's burnt down --
I can see the moon.
I can see the moon.
Sobbing by yourself in your finished basement while watching an episode of a teenage musical drama while your two beautiful, perfect children sleep two floors above you is inane. Yes, I was sobbing because I was tired. And overwhelmed. And unable to let go. And missing my husband desperately.
Which is actually, in a sense, redeeming. I was crying-- stupidly, gulping for air and (though it was dark and I was alone) with a speckled, hottening face-- because in that stupid, stupid teenage love, I could feel the stupid feeling that I needed to feel. Out of control and desperate for the love of someone I could not have (at least for the moment).
It's embarrassing to feel you've become untethered. It's embarrassing-- even in your own basement (perhaps especially in your own basement)-- to let go. To sob.
But, to my surprise-- I did just that. I let it go. The sobbing did something for me.
Should that surprise me? Actually, maybe it shouldn't. Funny, that thing. It's like as a baby, all you know is unravel unravel unravel and need the world to swaddle you in. Then you become that binding for yourself; you become the binding for others.
Sometimes that unravel unravel unravel is okay. I really am OK. Sad, but OK. I can unravel sometimes, even if just to the floor. Then I can be retrieved. I can retrieve myself. Weave, unweave. Weave.